How we self-sabotage

The Inner Critic

You might be aware of the existence of an inner critic telling you that no-one is listening to your presentation, that you look ridiculous in that outfit or that surely this is a dumb question to ask. 

First of all, this critical voice inside your head is not you! It is rather a mechanism that we all develop to pre-empt criticism from others. Evolutionarily, it may have ensured that we are not expelled from our family or tribe which would threaten our survival. And yes, when it prevented us from being rude or reckless as children, it may have had its place. But now as adults, we have better tools to deal with life. And a voice that finds fault with everything will rather hold us back than allow us to bring our best selves to the table and to lead a productive life. 

The mechanism of the inner critic tends to kick in when we’re uncomfortable, or stressed, or tired. And as you can imagine, having a voice berating you while you’re dealing with a challenging situation is hardly helpful. Rather, it is self-sabotage. 

Other Saboteurs

In coaching, we call the inner critic ‘Saboteur’ exactly because what is meant to be helpful is actually sabotaging our efforts. Besides the inner critic, there are a number of other ways we self-sabotage. We might

  • focus so heavily on doing everything perfectly, that we don’t get anything done which causes stress.

  • want to control everything to get the outcome we want and end up having to do everything ourselves which leads to suboptimal results.

  • want to create complete safety and yet feel constantly anxious.

  • try to keep the peace or avoid unpleasant tasks to the point where unaddressed issues cause us anxiety.

  • push ourselves constantly to get the results that will make us happy without ever feeling content.

  • try to think our way out of relationship problems and still not find the connection we crave.

  • try to please the people around us and feel exhausted and resentful as a result.

  • constantly move on to the next thing in search of pleasant or satisfactory experiences without ever feeling the pleasure or the satisfaction we seek.

  • seek empathy and compassion from others by dwelling on our problems only to experience rejection.

Find out about Your Saboteurs

If you are curious what self-sabotaging mechanisms you might fall back on when dealing with life’s challenges, you can take a Saboteur Assessment. The self-assessment is also helpful because it facilitates an important first step: Recognising when you have a saboteur in your ear or are following a saboteur’s directive.

Weaken your Saboteurs through Coaching

I work with my coaching clients to help identify when and how their saboteurs are creating unnecessary difficulties and obstacles in their lives. The voice in our head is one way a saboteur might show up, but other ways include tension in our body or ways we do something or not do something. With practice you learn to not follow an autopilot that might be robbing you of your innate strengths and powers.

Further Reading

There is a lot of literature out there on how to deal with the stress-producing voices in our head (e.g. “Taming Your Gremlin” by Rick Carson or “Don’t feed the Monkey Mind” by Jennifer Shannon). 

For me, the most comprehensive book that covers all of this in very relatable language and without being overwhelmingly detailed and that gives clear direction on how to deal with our Saboteurs based on the latest science, is “Positive Intelligence” by Shirzad Chamine. In my coaching, I use the vocabulary and approaches covered in the book and I have also trained with Shirzad Chamine himself.