How to recover from setbacks or when we lose our footing
When we stumble and fall, we want to check ourselves for wounds, provide first aid, potentially use support to help us get back on our feet, figure out what happened, and then continue on our way with new energy and insights.
But often, we punching and kick ourselves while we’re down and then wonder why we aren’t getting back up.
When we fail to do what we set out to do, we can use these self-care steps to recover:
(I use this for my new clients as a first guide on how to recover if they experience setbacks in between sessions. Because we are so used to our internal punching and kicking that we are often blind to it, it is helpful to have a coach guide you through the recovery process. Through coaching, my clients then develop and master their own individual recovery guide and kit.)
Acknowledge the discomfort (be it frustration, hurt, shame, anxiety, etc.).
Give first-aid to the frustrated, hurt, ashamed, anxious part within you.
While you provide first aid, ask the voices and impulses that want to punish you, blame others, or catastrophise the future to step aside. Don’t get into the narrative at this stage. Leave that for step 6.
Do a grounding exercise.
Repeat steps 1-4. if necessary to calm your nervous system.
Look at the situation with blameless discernment.
If it is all TOO MUCH: Store the incident away for your next coaching or therapy session or for when you can retell it to an ideally non-judgemental listener.
In detail:
1 . Acknowledge the discomfort (be it frustration, hurt, shame, anxiety, etc.).
Notice how the discomfort manifests in your body: Do you feel tension somewhere? Are you clenching hands or jaw? Is your skin flushed / hot / cold/ sweaty?
Acknowledge with compassion: “Wow / Fuck, this has really made me feel …!”
2. Give first-aid to the frustrated, hurt, ashamed, anxious part within you.
What do you need right now?
What might make you feel better?
Below are some ideas with suggestions on how to make these comfort strategies as wholesome as possible. BUT if all you are capable of in the moment is to scroll mindlessly through social media or binge-watch a series or inhale a tub of ice-cream, then DO THAT without feeling guilty or making yourself wrong.
First-aid Ideas
Food and drink
Very slowly drink a hot tea / a glass of cold water or eat something comforting and pay exquisite attention to how it feels in your hand, what it looks like, what it smells like, what sensations and tastes it triggers in your mouth.
Experience awe for the wonders of chemistry and biology that make this possible. Appreciate your ancestors who made the discoveries that enable us to enjoy this kind of food and drink.
Water
Put your hands under flowing water or take a shower and pay exquisite attention to the sound of the water flowing, to the sensation of water moving over your skin, to the temperature of the water and its effect on your body.
Nature
Stroke an animal or touch or hug a tree and appreciate the texture of the fur or the bark. Walk outside and focus on the sensations and mechanics of walking. Feel the air and wind moving over your skin and through your hair. Experience awe for the power of nature.
Human connection
Ask someone to sit with you (and potentially hear about your discomfort) or hug someone for at least 20 seconds until you are both relaxing your bodies into the hug. Appreciate the presence of another person. Experience the awe for the complexity of our body system.
Music and Dance
Put on some music and let your body express what’s going on inside. Don’t worry about doing proper dance moves, just let go. Observe what it feels like to move.
Tears
Allow yourself to cry on someone’s shoulder or while hugging a pillow. Appreciate our bodies ability to release emotions this way.
Nap or Sleep
Take a nap or go to sleep. Feel the comfort of your pillow, your blanket (maybe it is a weighted blanket).
Do what you know works for you.
3. While you provide first aid, ask the voices and impulses that want to punish you, blame others, or catastrophise the future to step aside. Don’t get into the narrative at this stage. Leave that for step 6.
Notice thoughts such as
“I’m such a failure”,
“This always happens to me”,
“Everyone despises me now”,
“Everything will fall apart”,
“How could they?!”
Stop yourself from following their lure and focus instead on the sensations of your first-aid self-care or the grounding exercise below (such as internal body sensations, touch sensations, smell, taste, sound, imaginary or actual visual sensations).
4. Do a grounding exercise.
5. Repeat steps 1-4. if necessary.
6. Look at the situation with blameless discernment.
When you feel like you are back in charge of your faculties,
Step into compassion/empathy and look at what happened with curiosity and blameless discernment:
This happened,
then I said/did,
then they said/did,
then that happened,
then they said/did, …Without blaming anyone nor anything, see where things took a turn that you would have liked to avoid in retrospect. Ask yourself:
“What could I have done differently?” Imagine yourself doing it differently (i.e. practice in your mind for the future).
“Is there something I want to do or say (to someone or privately, e.g. in a diary) to change the situation?”Forgive yourself and others. Acknowledge the courage of yourself and others to show up and do their best in the moment.
7. If it is all TOO MUCH
If it is all TOO MUCH: Store the incident away for your next coaching or therapy session or for when you can retell it to an ideally non-judgemental listener.